Let’s Get Personal Episode 2

Welcome to another installment of Let’s Get Personal! I bet you can’t wait (or can you?).

Remember in my last post I said that the doctors found cysts and I thought that was the end of all my crazy? Well, turns out that I was so wrong about that one. About one week after I got the ultrasound results, I turned into (as my husband affectionately calls me) Bitchzilla. Now, at this point a very dusty and dim lightbulb pops into my head. Grabbing some paper and my iPhone, I pulled up my iPeriod app (awesome app, by the way) and decided to look back about eight months. These are basically the results

  • Week before cycle starts, Bitchzilla emerges
  • Week during cycle, Bitchzilla is still visiting. Horrible cramps, can’t keep food down, stay in bed for first three days
  • Week after cycle, Bitchzilla goes into hiding and everything is wonderful

Interesting pattern, huh? Now, knowing this pattern I take this information to my doctor and my shrink. My doctor decides to put me on some birth control to help with the horrible cycles. Now, to me this was news. I had been dealing with cycles like these ever since I hit puberty, apparently I wasn’t suppose to feel like this every friggen time. Anyway, next I go to see my shrink.

Now, this guy has been a shrink for many years and has seen it all. I first met him when I was thirteen and going through some bad timing (remember the number 13, it will come up again later). As soon as I start telling him what was going on, he just grins and nods. After I finished talking, he asks about the hair on my lip. Yes, I had a mustache… but just a little one. Then he asks if I get insanely irritated during my cycles, the answer is a big Y-E-S. With those questions down, he writes down a prescription for 1 mg of Abilify to take when Bithzilla starts coming around and tells me that I should make an appointment with an OB/GYN. He then goes on to tell me that I have hormone imbalance, something I should have guessed at since I had cysts. Apparently, for women, serotonin and estrogen mesh together to keep us ladies sane and perky, mostly. During our cycle, estrogen and serotonin levels rise just enough to make sure that we don’t murder our spouse or other annoying males (or females) in our life. Most likely with me, since my estrogen is so low, testosterone decided to join the party and help out. I’m sure most of you know that an excess of testosterone causes aggression, and having testosterone near the same levels of estrogen is pretty high for a woman.

Thanks for the help, Testosterone, but stop helping. Please.

With that information, I went home and made an appointment with an OB/GYN for the following week. I bet you can’t wait to hear the rest of my Half-Assed Lane life.

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